A New Life Vision - One Year in Recovery

One year. This week marked the passing of that milestone in my journey of recovery. It has been a year since alcohol has entered my body, and more shockingly, a year since I have even experienced a craving or a desire to drink.

This fact seems impossible to me, yet it is the life that I am now living. There have been moments where I would realize that the opportunity to drink was there, but armed with a new vision for my life and the acceptance of myself as an alcoholic the craving/urge/desire to actually seek out and consume alcohol has never manifested.

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I don’t wave that fact around loosely to exclaim, “I am cured, I am not an alcoholic!!!” but actually quite the opposite. I have become so convinced that I am an alcoholic, and so comfortable and accepting of that fact, that I know what it means for me and for my family if alcohol ever came back into my life. And that’s not where I am aiming my life.

For years after graduation from college, I had a very strong visual vision for what I wanted my life to entail. One incredible insight that I had during my time in rehab was the impact that vision was having on my actions and isolated battle against alcohol. Included in that vision was a glass of red wine in my hand. There was a sudden moment in rehab where I was struck that the inclusion of red wine in my hand as a part of my vision was significant.

I desperately wanted to be normal. I wanted to be able to drink and not have alcohol and the insatiable drive to consume more alcohol hijack my entire system. I wanted to sit on the front porch in the summer with a glass of wine and just chat with my wife as the sun set. I wanted to celebrate with friends and be able to raise a glass to toast. I wanted to be able to do all of that and avoid the hell that alcohol brought into my life.

But, that was something that I did not control. At this point in my life I had lost all control over the fact that I was an alcoholic. I had crossed the threshold years ago and became an alcoholic for life. Of that fact, I am fully convinced. So, I needed a change to my vision, I needed a direction to point my life and my actions.

My vision for my life today is actually less visual than it had been previously. One thing this last year taught us is the staggering lack of control we all actually have in our own lives. So my vision shifted to one that is more principally based, but where I do have a few key visuals to supplement that foundational vision.

My vision is this - I am a Provider and Protector - Physically, Emotionally and Spiritually. I extend this vision into a few key visuals for myself that I hope to experience in life:

Looking into my child’s eyes and seeing that sparkle, a spirit of love and unquestioning trust that can exist between a parent and child.

Backcountry adventures into my 60s.

Getting on the ground and playing with a grandchild.

These small moments and visuals go on.

Above all, I was given the most amazing gift in this last year - a loving, forgiving yet demanding judge of character and adherence to my vision. Lucy. What I am about to say may not resonate with most, as I discovered this aspect of my life through the loss of a daughter, but it still could be something that readers are able to make a connection to in some manner.

During Lucy’s life, Alyssa and I were exactly the people we needed to be for her, as individuals and a couple. I am at a loss of words for how proud I am of who we were during her earthly life, and I know that Lucy felt that. Now that she has passed, when I’m faced with a situation or a difficult decision I fall back to asking myself this question - “What would make Lucy proud?”

It’s the clearest litmus test for action and behavior that will drive my life towards my vision.

For any and all of you that have been involved in my journey of recovery I cannot thank you enough, and my family cannot thank you enough. A milestone is a marker, yet today is another day that I choose to live in active recovery. I feel the best way to wrap this one up is with the Sanskrit Proverb.

Look to this day,
For it is life,
The very life of life.

In its brief course lies all
The realities and verities of existence,
The bliss of growth,
The splendor of action,
The glory of Power —
For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow is only a vision.

But today, well lived,
Makes every yesterday
A dream of happiness,
And every tomorrow
A vision of hope.

Look well, therefore, to this day.

That’s all I have got for this week.

Kyle