Mother's Day and Gratitude
This week’s Practice of Recovery is Gratitude and Awe. I began to practice gratitude every day during rehab, and I noticed that doing so not only began shifting my mindset to one that viewed the world through a lens of problems to one of opportunity, but it also opened me up to experience moments of awe.
In conjunction with the theme this week, it also just so happens to be leading into Mother’s Day weekend. Mother’s Day of 2023 will forever stand out to me in my life as it is the day that Alyssa and I made the decision that I would enter rehab. There were no flowers, no special meal, only disbelief, tears and shock but also deep down a small glimmer of hope.
My parents ended up in Boise with us by the afternoon of Mother’s Day 2023. We spent the day together at our house, planning and preparing for me to step away for 28 days. Anytime I would come up with an excuse or a concern about being gone for so long, they were all there to talk through the scenario and figure out a plan to either squash the excuse or mitigate any issues while I was out.
I don’t remember eating that day, I primarily recall just being stunned with disbelief and shock. I watched Grant play, I read him as many books as I possibly could and I cried. I confided in my own Dad that my biggest fear for Grant is that I passed him this disease of alcoholism and I just don’t want him to have to suffer and struggle the way that I had the previous 12 years. I was at my lowest low.
Despite that, I had two women in our home that day that were telling me that the commitment to going to rehab was the greatest Mother’s Day gift they could receive. I had a difficult time believing them. The next day, my Mom drove as Alyssa and I sat embracing in the backseat on the drive to rehab. An embrace in the parking lot with my Mom was the last for a while and Alyssa and I entered through the doors to check me in.
I had five minutes alone with Alyssa after an initial quick intake. Stunned shock was coursing through my entire system, but as we said our goodbyes I sensed and saw a strength in my wife that changed me. ‘We’re going to be ok, you work on yourself’, and then she was gone.
Sitting alone in the intake room I took her strength and my parents strength and decided right then and there that if they still believed in me that there has to be something worth saving. I was going to do this, no holding back. It was there that I made the life saving decisions to:
Believe that everything they were doing in rehab had a purpose and that they had my best interest in mind. Stop questioning and challenging everything.
Look into my own eyes and say, ‘I love you’ out loud every time I passed a mirror.
There were people out there that still loved me, still believed in me, despite my own loss of those views of myself. Regardless of all the love I had for them, I was not going to do it for them any longer. I was going to save me for me, because I was worth loving and I knew that I had more to give in this life.
This is where I find power in the practice of gratitude and have come to believe that it can truly create an increase in the awesome moments in your life. How amazing is it that I was given a chance to commit to working on myself, settling myself on the path of recovery, prior to facing the unforeseen trials that Lucy’s life brought to us? My belief is that throughout this year I have experienced numerous awesome moments, that boarder on mystical experiences, due to the fact that I practiced gratitude which opened me up to the possibility to experience those moments.
My ability to name the things I was grateful for in life started out vague, but as I continued to work and practice gratitude two things happened. One, my gratitude became much more specific and secondly, I was beginning to experience gratitude in the moment versus in reflection at the end of the day. Experiencing gratitude in the moment is an intensely humbling and powerful feeling.
As Mother’s Day weekend is nearly upon us I want to end with this. Alyssa, I am beyond grateful for your strength, perseverance and commitment to our lives. We had an experience that I truly wouldn’t wish on anyone else, but that I can say with sincerity I am immensely grateful, and quite humbled, at how we carried our burden well through it together.
Happy Mother’s Day to all.
That’s all I’ve got.
Kyle