Lucy’s Lessons

This post is a re-use of a CaringBridge post that I made hours before our daughter Lucy passed away. Tomorrow marks four months since we said farewell to our little bunny.

As we build up the number of hours we are blessed to be around Lucy and sit by her bedside, we have started discussing the learnings that this girl has taught us in her short time on this earth.  I am certain that her lessons will continue to be revealed to us, but this is what we feel that she has already taught us in her first week of life.

A belief in something greater makes suffering bearable

Alyssa and my faith has been the bedrock of our ability to manage through this time in our lives with little to no anger or questioning 'why?'  This does not mean that this journey has been easy, but we're comforted by the fact that this has always been a part of a plan and that it is perfectly ok for us to not understand this plan right now.  My faith was restored when someone told me, 'I do not want a God that I can understand.' and really, why would you?  If your supernatural higher power is understandable enough to distill down to some simple explanation or equation, I wouldn't exactly call that being supernatural.

Even if we don't understand the meaning of Lucy's story right now, we're comforted by the fact that someday we may experience a moment that sheds light on all that we went through.  Or maybe we never will.  But either way, we have a strong belief that Lucy's spirit is going to guide us through these days and, maybe, weeks in the NICU and that no matter what happens to her earthly body her spirit will continue on and never leave us.

Science still has so many unknowns

I truly wish everyone could experience this one along with us.  To sit in one of the most advanced and trusted hospital settings the world knows, at what is arguably the peak of human knowledge, and to have the medical team stumbling around and coming up with their best clinical way to say 'We don't know' is humbling.  That's not any slight on the care team that is overseeing Lucy, but her entire life has been filled with mystery and it is very obvious that our human insight and discoveries through all of time cannot lend any answers to her situation.

While this could be very frustrating Alyssa and I are kind of used to it at this point.  Every doctor visit we were finding out new information about Lucy that just didn't make sense to anyone who looked at her case.  The hope was that when she was born that we would get more clarity on her situation, but the opposite has actually happened.  She has become more of a mystery after her birth.  And why not?  That's just Lucy's way.  It's teaching us that there are bounds to human knowledge at this point, and it takes true wisdom to know, understand and accept those bounds.

Be satisfied with every goodbye 

We are finding that every time we leave Lucy's bedside that we are having to leave accepting that we may not come back to her room and find her alive.  Therefore, we as well as all of our visitors have to be satisfied with every single goodbye that we say on departure.  Really, this should be a logical everyday mindset, as no one is guaranteed tomorrow or even the next minutes, but we really take health and safety for granted in our day and age.  I have noticed that hugs with family have felt much deeper since Lucy has taught this lesson to us. 

Respect how others deal with emotions

I have mentioned before that Alyssa and I have been extremely aligned and strong throughout this journey together.  Our relationship has been strengthened through this hardship, but that does not mean that we are in sync with each other in every respect, actually far from it.  Alyssa and I grieve differently.  We experience anger, frustration and joy at different times and in different manners. 

Oftentimes Alyssa is feeling a certain emotion and I am no where feeling that, and I can sense an opportunity for annoyance to come in and wonder, 'why is she feeling this way now?  It doesn't make sense!'  Instead of having that judgement, it has been far more productive to sit and respect the emotions the other person has been feeling and allow them to process them. 

Never lose your sense of humor

Given the heaviness and seriousness of the situation, the amount of laughter we have shared over these past weeks has been quite impressive.  Some of the humor has been pretty dark, and some are just good old Dad jokes like telling the nurse we changed our diet to exclude glass shards after discussing how Alyssa had some gum bleeding problems during pregnancy.  It's really the small things that still make us smile and keep us going through the day. 

Purpose is measured in impact on those around you, not in time on this earth 

Lucy has impacted so many lives in her short time on this earth.  Lucy's existence helped me save myself from the lowest place I have ever been in life.  I will never forget that impact she has had on me and to all those whose lives she has touched.  There's not much more to say on this one other than I hope to one day have a small sliver of an impact on others as Lucy has had.  What a meaningful life no matter how much time we are able to spend with her.

All the best from our family to yours.

Alyssa, Kyle, Grant & Lucy